Personal Blog about trauma and healing
Culture of Silence
Tiffany Anne Crowder - She/her/hers © Copyright 2024 Word Alchemy LLC Publishing
My journey growing up in a dysfunctional family system and the adult onset of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Hello There!
This is Tiff's blog, the owner of Word Alchemy LLC.
While this is the name of my first novel, it also seemed fitting to use as the title of my blog.
Culture of Silence:
"A conspiracy of silence, or culture of silence, describes the behavior of a group of people that, by unspoken consensus, does not mention, discuss, or acknowledge a given subject. The practice may be motivated by a positive interest in group solidarity or by negative impulses such as fear of repercussions or social ostracism. Unlike a taboo subject or the use of euphemisms, a conspiracy of silence is limited to specific social and political contexts rather than an entire culture." -Oxford English Dictionary
My Deepest Hope
It is my hope that this website facilitates a feeling of safety, comfort, and refugee for trauma victims. DBT is a wonderful but expensive program that I was able to find scholarships for. However, like most therapy, I recognize that it is a luxury item. I want to share as much as I can, including free resources, to do my part in helping others as much as I can in this limited capacity. I am NOT a therapist. I'm just a trauma survivor. Most of my material comes from my own experiences, as well as DBT skills that could be useful for anyone willing to work on them.
I'm sure by now you've noticed my co-conspirator - Awkward Ace - is also sharing a mental health journey on her blog here. I plan to have a small handful of spin-off blogs bringing different perspectives on how trauma plays out in adults.
Coping for the Holidays
Hey all!
Tiff here with my yearly mental health coping tips. This blog is rather new, and as I have grown in my passion for advocacy in this area, I have found myself writing far less fantasy (though I still love it) and more nonfiction.
Last year, I was formally diagnosed with: Generalized Anxiety DisorderMajor Depressive DisorderBorderline Personality DisorderScrupulosity
Out of these stem additional issues and disorders. I have had these most of my life. Still, because of the aggressive gatekeeping in the mental health community, I wasn't respected until I had an actual diagnosis.
I want to be very clear here.
You will be safe on my page. I do not gatekeep trauma; in fact, the further into studying and talking to healthcare professionals I become, the more I think it is arrogant and hateful to do so. Trauma is complex. Two people can go through the same trauma and come out the other side with different degrees of brokenness. You will never have to prove yourself to me.
You are valued and welcomed here.
Tiff here with my yearly mental health coping tips. This blog is rather new, and as I have grown in my passion for advocacy in this area, I have found myself writing far less fantasy (though I still love it) and more nonfiction.
Last year, I was formally diagnosed with: Generalized Anxiety DisorderMajor Depressive DisorderBorderline Personality DisorderScrupulosity
Out of these stem additional issues and disorders. I have had these most of my life. Still, because of the aggressive gatekeeping in the mental health community, I wasn't respected until I had an actual diagnosis.
I want to be very clear here.
You will be safe on my page. I do not gatekeep trauma; in fact, the further into studying and talking to healthcare professionals I become, the more I think it is arrogant and hateful to do so. Trauma is complex. Two people can go through the same trauma and come out the other side with different degrees of brokenness. You will never have to prove yourself to me.
You are valued and welcomed here.
Choose Safety for yourself this season
(This is not for any particular holiday or religion)
These are for contact and no-contact survivors, some just for one category but many for both. This is a mixture of what I learned in DBT and from my favorite YouTube Channel, Patrick Teahan. Please feel free to comment below with your ideas for a healthy holiday!
Boundaries are good for everyone
This is that word that everyone uses but rarely enforces when they first start healing and/or therapy. It isn't new; in fact, I'm sure there are trauma survivors everywhere groaning or rolling their eyes right now.
Tell me something I don't know, Tiff.
If you are like me, you have difficulty with this one. It's essential to be consistent with family gatherings and to inform ahead of time if there is a new boundary or if it's the first time you are laying these down seriously. Be clear.
"I won't be talking about politics, weight, etc."
You will experience pushback, but if you are reading this, chances are you already know. The usual charades of gaslighting, sarcasm, provoking, and other harmful behaviors will show up like they always do. You know this will happen, so expect it. Take the surprise out of the equation by coping ahead and having yourself well-guarded emotionally. You would be surprised how much it helps to think ahead and remind yourself that it's only a few hours or days. Our best line of defense and secret power is not reacting. I spent large parts of my childhood thinking, "I can get through anything for five minutes."
If you haven't gone no-contact or are in the process of trying to heal as a family, these moments are going to happen. Our inner child does this thing where it wishes for everything to go well just this one time. You are there because it's important to you. We can't control them, but we can do our best to focus on the happy things and healing. This is a great time to practice Radical Acceptance.
It doesn't matter if they don't get it.
It's good if they know you are serious enough to leave if they become harmful. If they have their usual "Oh, don't get them started on that topic. You know how they feel about equal rights stuff." Great! It's good if they feel that way. They don't have to understand. They just have to respect your boundaries.
Tell me something I don't know, Tiff.
If you are like me, you have difficulty with this one. It's essential to be consistent with family gatherings and to inform ahead of time if there is a new boundary or if it's the first time you are laying these down seriously. Be clear.
"I won't be talking about politics, weight, etc."
You will experience pushback, but if you are reading this, chances are you already know. The usual charades of gaslighting, sarcasm, provoking, and other harmful behaviors will show up like they always do. You know this will happen, so expect it. Take the surprise out of the equation by coping ahead and having yourself well-guarded emotionally. You would be surprised how much it helps to think ahead and remind yourself that it's only a few hours or days. Our best line of defense and secret power is not reacting. I spent large parts of my childhood thinking, "I can get through anything for five minutes."
If you haven't gone no-contact or are in the process of trying to heal as a family, these moments are going to happen. Our inner child does this thing where it wishes for everything to go well just this one time. You are there because it's important to you. We can't control them, but we can do our best to focus on the happy things and healing. This is a great time to practice Radical Acceptance.
It doesn't matter if they don't get it.
It's good if they know you are serious enough to leave if they become harmful. If they have their usual "Oh, don't get them started on that topic. You know how they feel about equal rights stuff." Great! It's good if they feel that way. They don't have to understand. They just have to respect your boundaries.
Mean What You Say
If you set boundaries and the expectation that your immediate family will be leaving if the environment becomes toxic, make sure you can follow through. The whole idea here is that they are taking mental health seriously. If you have kids especially, you know how damaging it is to experience this toxicity, even if it's just seeing other people involved in volatile behavior.
Have a tank full of gas. Have the funds to be able to leave early (don't leave yourself in a situation where you have no choice but to stay). Know your deal breakers vs the distress tolerance mentioned earlier.
Dysfunctional families aren't perfect, even when they want to heal, so just know what constitutes as a mistake and what is unacceptable. This goes back to the first part with boundaries. The inappropriate behaviors have to be clearly communicated beforehand. They know if they mess these up. And please...above all else, remember:
You owe them nothing.
Not an explanation, not a goodbye; protect you, protect your immediate family...on the same topic, you grew up in dysfunction. You won't be perfect either. So, know the areas in which you can consciously choose to be more relaxed. If you decide to go, don't enter the situation with the, "Aw man, Uncle Henry always ruins our get-togethers." You have decided it's worth going, so make the most of it. Going in with a negative mindset will guarantee a trigger-filled event. If it is really that bad, I believe you. I also think it's time to consider if you really want to go if it will be that harmful. Focus on your favorite joys of the season and concentrate on those, and the people you can safely connect with.
Have a tank full of gas. Have the funds to be able to leave early (don't leave yourself in a situation where you have no choice but to stay). Know your deal breakers vs the distress tolerance mentioned earlier.
Dysfunctional families aren't perfect, even when they want to heal, so just know what constitutes as a mistake and what is unacceptable. This goes back to the first part with boundaries. The inappropriate behaviors have to be clearly communicated beforehand. They know if they mess these up. And please...above all else, remember:
You owe them nothing.
Not an explanation, not a goodbye; protect you, protect your immediate family...on the same topic, you grew up in dysfunction. You won't be perfect either. So, know the areas in which you can consciously choose to be more relaxed. If you decide to go, don't enter the situation with the, "Aw man, Uncle Henry always ruins our get-togethers." You have decided it's worth going, so make the most of it. Going in with a negative mindset will guarantee a trigger-filled event. If it is really that bad, I believe you. I also think it's time to consider if you really want to go if it will be that harmful. Focus on your favorite joys of the season and concentrate on those, and the people you can safely connect with.
Emotional Hangover from Hell - You can be happy & sad at the same time
I can't stress this enough: alcoholism is a serious condition, and the usage of hangovers in this blog isn't making light of that. The reason therapists use this word is because of the brain's chemical response and aftermath experienced by individuals after going into a traumatic situation. Even if it goes well and progress is made, you will need a few days to recover. Don't feel bad or weak. Give yourself space to feel, accept, and rest. Plan for self-care time; don't try to jump back into distractions. Radical Acceptance is such a big part of our recovery journey. Healing can often feel heavy, even in the wins.
Processing our feelings is important, and it helps our trauma hurt less in the future. For many of us, it will always hurt. For the first time in my life, I can manage my feelings easier and focus on things happier, even though I still have that list of conditions at the top.
It's okay if you need time to cry at an event.
This gets tricky because there might be big feelings in the middle of celebrating. You don't have to feel bad if you need time to process on a walk or in your car. It's okay to excuse yourself from dinner. Self-care comes before finishing your food when needed. You are worth taking the time to remain safe and capable of being present.
So many times, my husband would go on walks when we were first married, and I didn't understand it at the time, especially if we had tension between us. I thought maybe he was avoiding our problems. It took time to recognize that he often came back clear-headed and better able to handle difficult situations. I was used to aggression, yelling, and sweeping things under the rug.
Now, when I'm at an event, I can stay longer and enjoy it more if I do the same and take time to go on walks or check in with my mentor.
Processing our feelings is important, and it helps our trauma hurt less in the future. For many of us, it will always hurt. For the first time in my life, I can manage my feelings easier and focus on things happier, even though I still have that list of conditions at the top.
It's okay if you need time to cry at an event.
This gets tricky because there might be big feelings in the middle of celebrating. You don't have to feel bad if you need time to process on a walk or in your car. It's okay to excuse yourself from dinner. Self-care comes before finishing your food when needed. You are worth taking the time to remain safe and capable of being present.
So many times, my husband would go on walks when we were first married, and I didn't understand it at the time, especially if we had tension between us. I thought maybe he was avoiding our problems. It took time to recognize that he often came back clear-headed and better able to handle difficult situations. I was used to aggression, yelling, and sweeping things under the rug.
Now, when I'm at an event, I can stay longer and enjoy it more if I do the same and take time to go on walks or check in with my mentor.
Dialectic thinking is a beautiful awareness that helps us understand that contradicting emotions happen simultaneously in life. Accepting the bad allows us to lean in on the good instead of having that intense mental war where you try to outwillpower the pain.
We can't win that fight.
It ignores a crucial fact. The sadness, anger, pain, it is a part of us. Willpower only locks it away briefly instead of allowing it to be a part of us. I was a chronic bottled emotions timebomb growing up. I could suck it up for extended periods, but it always exploded at some point because I was denying part of who I was. My inner child begging to be cared for and loved. She didn't go away just because I ignored her. She is used to being neglected. She is pure survival mode and will always outlast in a battle.
Learn to look forward to and enjoy the small victories and joys. Bring something small and avoid the need to go over the top to make up for the bad memories. You can be just as happy with a new tradition or offering and recognize you don't have to kill yourself trying to create the perfect event.
We can't win that fight.
It ignores a crucial fact. The sadness, anger, pain, it is a part of us. Willpower only locks it away briefly instead of allowing it to be a part of us. I was a chronic bottled emotions timebomb growing up. I could suck it up for extended periods, but it always exploded at some point because I was denying part of who I was. My inner child begging to be cared for and loved. She didn't go away just because I ignored her. She is used to being neglected. She is pure survival mode and will always outlast in a battle.
Learn to look forward to and enjoy the small victories and joys. Bring something small and avoid the need to go over the top to make up for the bad memories. You can be just as happy with a new tradition or offering and recognize you don't have to kill yourself trying to create the perfect event.
No Trauma Strings Attached
One thing I really enjoyed when I first moved to St. Louis was having time with my oldest sister. We had never had much time to connect, and I wasn't good at consistent phone calls. It was special and meant so much to me to finally become closer to her. I was able to interact in a much healthier manner and make new traditions.
One Christmas as kids, when we were hurting for money, I remember mom made a cheese and cracker and salami board for dinner. It was the happiest Christmas I ever remember. No relatives. No huge stressful dinner. On the outside, it might have caused others to pity us, but on the inside, it's one of my brightest memories. It was special because it was so unique. My mother is such a creative and beautiful storyteller.
This could have been a source of shame or hard feelings, but instead, I went on to have a passion for charcuterie boards. This was back when that included large amounts of Italian meat, not just cheeses. They look different now, sure. But for me, it was reclaiming a moment of light in all the trauma and turning it into a tradition.
My point is that you don't have to just make it through this time of year. You can find ways to experience joy. If you are cut off from your family, have dinner with other friends with nowhere to go. Make it unique for just that group. If the feels overwhelm the group or even one person, Patrick Teahan says something profound:
Remind yourself that the real gift is not allowing abuse into your life any longer.
Your kids will never have to watch your parents tear each other apart in front of everyone ever again. They (and you) will never have to be near the people that hurt you. Even if you go and have to leave, remember that you are loving yourself and your immediate family enough not to put them into toxic, trauma-inducing environments. You might find that you enjoy the holidays for the first time. -Tiff
One Christmas as kids, when we were hurting for money, I remember mom made a cheese and cracker and salami board for dinner. It was the happiest Christmas I ever remember. No relatives. No huge stressful dinner. On the outside, it might have caused others to pity us, but on the inside, it's one of my brightest memories. It was special because it was so unique. My mother is such a creative and beautiful storyteller.
This could have been a source of shame or hard feelings, but instead, I went on to have a passion for charcuterie boards. This was back when that included large amounts of Italian meat, not just cheeses. They look different now, sure. But for me, it was reclaiming a moment of light in all the trauma and turning it into a tradition.
My point is that you don't have to just make it through this time of year. You can find ways to experience joy. If you are cut off from your family, have dinner with other friends with nowhere to go. Make it unique for just that group. If the feels overwhelm the group or even one person, Patrick Teahan says something profound:
Remind yourself that the real gift is not allowing abuse into your life any longer.
Your kids will never have to watch your parents tear each other apart in front of everyone ever again. They (and you) will never have to be near the people that hurt you. Even if you go and have to leave, remember that you are loving yourself and your immediate family enough not to put them into toxic, trauma-inducing environments. You might find that you enjoy the holidays for the first time. -Tiff
Please reach out if you need someone to talk to during this difficult time.
TifaStrife8@gmail.com
Stay connected
Please feel free to contact me here. I am not a therapist, just a survivor of childhood trauma. You don't have to be alone anymore. If you are a survivor who wants to share their story - anonymously or by name, feel free to inquire about the parameters of being on this blog.