Novel - Current Work in Progress:
Culture of Silence
Tiffany Anne Crowder - She/her/hers © Copyright 2024 Word Alchemy LLC Publishing
My journey growing up in a dysfunctional family system and the adult onset of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Hello There!
This is Tiff's, the owner of Word Alchemy LLC, current novel in progress.
While I have been a lifelong writer, this will be my first novel that is officially published.
Culture of Silence:
"A conspiracy of silence, or culture of silence, describes the behavior of a group of people that, by unspoken consensus, does not mention, discuss, or acknowledge a given subject. The practice may be motivated by a positive interest in group solidarity or by negative impulses such as fear of repercussions or social ostracism. Unlike a taboo subject or the use of euphemisms, a conspiracy of silence is limited to specific social and political contexts rather than an entire culture." -Oxford English Dictionary
My Deepest Hope
It is my hope that this website facilitates a feeling of safety, comfort, and refugee for trauma victims. DBT is a wonderful but expensive program that I was able to find scholarships for. However, like most therapy, I recognize that it is a luxury item. I want to share as much as I can, including free resources, to do my part in helping others as much as I can in this limited capacity. I am NOT a therapist. I'm just a trauma survivor. Most of my material comes from my own experiences, as well as DBT skills that could be useful for anyone willing to work on them.
You'll notice sexual abuse taking the stage often these days. I want to believe that we are headed in the right direction. I want to think people are waking up to the complacency surrounding abuse. My journey being recounted in this novel is meant to support other victims, as well as help implicit bystanders start to understand how deep this issue goes.
Looking for therapy resources? Check out my Dialectic Behavioral Therapy Page!
Hey all!
Tiff here with my yearly mental health coping tips. This blog is rather new, and as I have grown in my passion for advocacy in this area, I have found myself writing far less fantasy (though I still love it) and more nonfiction.
Last year, I was formally diagnosed with: Generalized Anxiety DisorderMajor Depressive DisorderBorderline Personality DisorderScrupulosity
Out of these stem additional issues and disorders. I have had these most of my life. Still, because of the aggressive gatekeeping in the mental health community, I wasn't respected until I had an actual diagnosis.
I want to be very clear here.
You will be safe on my page. I do not gatekeep trauma; in fact, the further into studying and talking to healthcare professionals I become, the more I think it is arrogant and hateful to do so. Trauma is complex. Two people can go through the same trauma and come out the other side with different degrees of brokenness. You will never have to prove yourself to me.
You are valued and welcomed here.
Tiff here with my yearly mental health coping tips. This blog is rather new, and as I have grown in my passion for advocacy in this area, I have found myself writing far less fantasy (though I still love it) and more nonfiction.
Last year, I was formally diagnosed with: Generalized Anxiety DisorderMajor Depressive DisorderBorderline Personality DisorderScrupulosity
Out of these stem additional issues and disorders. I have had these most of my life. Still, because of the aggressive gatekeeping in the mental health community, I wasn't respected until I had an actual diagnosis.
I want to be very clear here.
You will be safe on my page. I do not gatekeep trauma; in fact, the further into studying and talking to healthcare professionals I become, the more I think it is arrogant and hateful to do so. Trauma is complex. Two people can go through the same trauma and come out the other side with different degrees of brokenness. You will never have to prove yourself to me.
You are valued and welcomed here.
Emotional Hangover from Hell
I can't stress this enough: alcoholism is a serious condition, and the usage of hangovers in this blog isn't making light of that. The reason therapists use this word is because of the brain's chemical response and aftermath experienced by individuals after going into a traumatic situation. Even if it goes well and progress is made, you will need a few days to recover. Don't feel bad or weak. Give yourself space to feel, accept, and rest. Plan for self-care time; don't try to jump back into distractions. Radical Acceptance is such a big part of our recovery journey. Healing can often feel heavy, even in the wins.
Processing our feelings is important, and it helps our trauma hurt less in the future. For many of us, it will always hurt. For the first time in my life, I can manage my feelings easier and focus on things happier, even though I still have that list of conditions at the top.
It's okay if you need time to cry at an event.
This gets tricky because there might be big feelings in the middle of celebrating. You don't have to feel bad if you need time to process on a walk or in your car. It's okay to excuse yourself from dinner. Self-care comes before finishing your food when needed. You are worth taking the time to remain safe and capable of being present.
So many times, my husband would go on walks when we were first married, and I didn't understand it at the time, especially if we had tension between us. I thought maybe he was avoiding our problems. It took time to recognize that he often came back clear-headed and better able to handle difficult situations. I was used to aggression, yelling, and sweeping things under the rug.
Now, when I'm at an event, I can stay longer and enjoy it more if I do the same and take time to go on walks or check in with my mentor.
Processing our feelings is important, and it helps our trauma hurt less in the future. For many of us, it will always hurt. For the first time in my life, I can manage my feelings easier and focus on things happier, even though I still have that list of conditions at the top.
It's okay if you need time to cry at an event.
This gets tricky because there might be big feelings in the middle of celebrating. You don't have to feel bad if you need time to process on a walk or in your car. It's okay to excuse yourself from dinner. Self-care comes before finishing your food when needed. You are worth taking the time to remain safe and capable of being present.
So many times, my husband would go on walks when we were first married, and I didn't understand it at the time, especially if we had tension between us. I thought maybe he was avoiding our problems. It took time to recognize that he often came back clear-headed and better able to handle difficult situations. I was used to aggression, yelling, and sweeping things under the rug.
Now, when I'm at an event, I can stay longer and enjoy it more if I do the same and take time to go on walks or check in with my mentor.
Choose Safety for yourself this season
(This is not for any particular holiday or religion)
These are for contact and no-contact survivors, some just for one category but many for both. This is a mixture of what I learned in DBT and from my favorite YouTube Channel, Patrick Teahan. Please feel free to comment below with your ideas for a healthy holiday!
These are for contact and no-contact survivors, some just for one category but many for both. This is a mixture of what I learned in DBT and from my favorite YouTube Channel, Patrick Teahan. Please feel free to comment below with your ideas for a healthy holiday!
Mean What You Say
If you set boundaries and the expectation that your immediate family will be leaving if the environment becomes toxic, make sure you can follow through. The whole idea here is that they are taking mental health seriously. If you have kids especially, you know how damaging it is to experience this toxicity, even if it's just seeing other people involved in volatile behavior.
Have a tank full of gas. Have the funds to be able to leave early (don't leave yourself in a situation where you have no choice but to stay). Know your deal breakers vs the distress tolerance mentioned earlier.
Dysfunctional families aren't perfect, even when they want to heal, so just know what constitutes as a mistake and what is unacceptable. This goes back to the first part with boundaries. The inappropriate behaviors have to be clearly communicated beforehand. They know if they mess these up. And please...above all else, remember:
You owe them nothing.
Not an explanation, not a goodbye; protect you, protect your immediate family...on the same topic, you grew up in dysfunction. You won't be perfect either. So, know the areas in which you can consciously choose to be more relaxed. If you decide to go, don't enter the situation with the, "Aw man, Uncle Henry always ruins our get-togethers." You have decided it's worth going, so make the most of it. Going in with a negative mindset will guarantee a trigger-filled event. If it is really that bad, I believe you. I also think it's time to consider if you really want to go if it will be that harmful. Focus on your favorite joys of the season and concentrate on those, and the people you can safely connect with.
Have a tank full of gas. Have the funds to be able to leave early (don't leave yourself in a situation where you have no choice but to stay). Know your deal breakers vs the distress tolerance mentioned earlier.
Dysfunctional families aren't perfect, even when they want to heal, so just know what constitutes as a mistake and what is unacceptable. This goes back to the first part with boundaries. The inappropriate behaviors have to be clearly communicated beforehand. They know if they mess these up. And please...above all else, remember:
You owe them nothing.
Not an explanation, not a goodbye; protect you, protect your immediate family...on the same topic, you grew up in dysfunction. You won't be perfect either. So, know the areas in which you can consciously choose to be more relaxed. If you decide to go, don't enter the situation with the, "Aw man, Uncle Henry always ruins our get-togethers." You have decided it's worth going, so make the most of it. Going in with a negative mindset will guarantee a trigger-filled event. If it is really that bad, I believe you. I also think it's time to consider if you really want to go if it will be that harmful. Focus on your favorite joys of the season and concentrate on those, and the people you can safely connect with.
No Trauma Strings Attached
One thing I really enjoyed when I first moved to St. Louis was having time with my oldest sister. We had never had much time to connect, and I wasn't good at consistent phone calls. It was special and meant so much to me to finally become closer to her. I was able to interact in a much healthier manner and make new traditions.
One Christmas as kids, when we were hurting for money, I remember mom made a cheese and cracker and salami board for dinner. It was the happiest Christmas I ever remember. No relatives. No huge stressful dinner. On the outside, it might have caused others to pity us, but on the inside, it's one of my brightest memories. It was special because it was so unique. My mother is such a creative and beautiful storyteller.
This could have been a source of shame or hard feelings, but instead, I went on to have a passion for charcuterie boards. This was back when that included large amounts of Italian meat, not just cheeses. They look different now, sure. But for me, it was reclaiming a moment of light in all the trauma and turning it into a tradition.
My point is that you don't have to just make it through this time of year. You can find ways to experience joy. If you are cut off from your family, have dinner with other friends with nowhere to go. Make it unique for just that group. If the feels overwhelm the group or even one person, Patrick Teahan says something profound:
Remind yourself that the real gift is not allowing abuse into your life any longer.
Your kids will never have to watch your parents tear each other apart in front of everyone ever again. They (and you) will never have to be near the people that hurt you. Even if you go and have to leave, remember that you are loving yourself and your immediate family enough not to put them into toxic, trauma-inducing environments. You might find that you enjoy the holidays for the first time.
-Tiff
One Christmas as kids, when we were hurting for money, I remember mom made a cheese and cracker and salami board for dinner. It was the happiest Christmas I ever remember. No relatives. No huge stressful dinner. On the outside, it might have caused others to pity us, but on the inside, it's one of my brightest memories. It was special because it was so unique. My mother is such a creative and beautiful storyteller.
This could have been a source of shame or hard feelings, but instead, I went on to have a passion for charcuterie boards. This was back when that included large amounts of Italian meat, not just cheeses. They look different now, sure. But for me, it was reclaiming a moment of light in all the trauma and turning it into a tradition.
My point is that you don't have to just make it through this time of year. You can find ways to experience joy. If you are cut off from your family, have dinner with other friends with nowhere to go. Make it unique for just that group. If the feels overwhelm the group or even one person, Patrick Teahan says something profound:
Remind yourself that the real gift is not allowing abuse into your life any longer.
Your kids will never have to watch your parents tear each other apart in front of everyone ever again. They (and you) will never have to be near the people that hurt you. Even if you go and have to leave, remember that you are loving yourself and your immediate family enough not to put them into toxic, trauma-inducing environments. You might find that you enjoy the holidays for the first time.
-Tiff